I was healthy enough to go to Ashland.
I was healthy enough to see B in her show.
I was healthy enough to see the other kids.
I was healthy enough to know that when their father came in with them and took the seats two rows in front of me, that I wanted to take charge of the initial meeting.
I was healthy enough to walk up and say hello to him in person, for the first time in two years.
I was healthy enough to go back and sit in my seat and notice that my hands weren't shaking too much.
And I was healthy enough to know that the night was supposed to be about B's drama ON stage ... not my drama OFF stage.
And since there would be no way to avoid him after the show backstage ... I fled at intermission and came home.
It's a wonderful life indeed.
You can't be a severely depressed person without wondering if anyone would notice if you were gone. Not only do you suspect that the world would be a better place if you'd never been born, you're pretty sure it would be a better place if you opted out.
I made six calls from the road, trying in vain to find someone I could talk to -- my father was the only one who picked up, and I soft-pedaled the whole Steve thing; he has enough problems of his own without his 47 year old daughter going all junior-high on him.So that sums that up pretty clearly, I guess.
I was healthy enough to decide against alcohol and/or any of the myriad bars along Highway 2 ... came home, wrote some emails I probably shouldn't have, and then watched TiVo until 12:30 and went to bed.
Today, this is my horoscope:
You may need a day of retreat and there's no reason to deny your wish. Following your desires isn't always the smartest thing to do, but now it could have great significance. Staying in the present moment can be difficult today, for you may still be holding on to habits and beliefs that are already worn out. Be ruthless as you eliminate the past to make room for the future.
So. Probably not going to get any cleaning done ... may not even get any laundry done ... going to practice mindfulness and move very slowly so all the shattered glass inside me doesn't cut any more.
I am so, so tired of ... this.
